Then what?

It's times like right now that send me into a tailspin. Times when the girls are at a sleepover with Grandma, the house is eerily quiet and I'm here by myself. A million things to do, yet hardly any ambition. Times when I finally let out that seemingly endless breath of air I constantly hold and just sit. And think. What am I going to do with my life?

Will I always be alone? Do I want to be alone? Do I want the girls to grow up without a constant father-figure in their lives? It is so very apparent at get-togethers that they relish the attention of other Dads...their friends and Uncles. But we do ok on our own, I think? Do I want to try to incorporate an "outsiders" point of view into my child-rearing, plan-making and daily routine? Do I want to sit here, by myself, when the girls have graduated and moved out...wondering what to do with myself?

I don't think I want to be alone, but I don't seem able to open myself up to anyone. I'm guarding our hearts and being selfish with my space and my time. I don't want to have to consider relocating (because it's not even a consideration), leaving my home to move elsewhere in town, disrupting the girls' lives as they know it yet again. And those are selfish thoughts to have in a relationship. So...it's just easier if I don't allow the relationship.

But then what? You know, it really sucks to have nobody to discuss the future with. Make plans with, spend time with, lounge around the house with. And there will come a day (all too soon), that the girls will be off doing their own things, with their own friends and I'll be left here alone, again, with no little girls constantly underfoot. Then what? What am I going to do with myself?