Dreading Today

Today is one of those days I really would have preferred to stay in bed with my head under the comforter. I have a pounding headache and a knot in my stomach anticipating the phone call from the lawyer today. I don't want to talk about the accident, yet again, re-hashing the events, the details...my nightmare. I don't want to think about the what-ifs, why's, should-haves and could-haves. I don't want to question why it had to be YOU to be the nice guy and haul those people across the lake, by yourself. None of it will change the fact that you're gone.

I've been trying to give myself a pep talk...telling myself that I can do this, that I'm strong enough for these conversations again. I don't have myself convinced, yet, but I will get through it. Because it's my only choice.

Hitting Hard

It hit me again, hard, tonight that this is my life. I don't know what triggered it. Maybe it was making it through what should have been your 33rd birthday last Wednesday. Maybe it was worrying about fighting life insurance for the last week and what an unfavorable outcome may mean for the girls' future. Maybe it was watching Laura absolutely ATTACH herself to your buddies last weekend as they were working on the playhouse. She THRIVED all weekend. She NEEDED that "man" time. Except it should have been with you. Maybe it was the concerned questions at work today both in person and over the phone. Maybe it was watching Clara take 6 consecutive steps tonight...wishing I had another set of hands to video it and wishing those hands were yours. Maybe it's the fact that I am just completely exhausted. Whatever it was, it triggered me. And I couldn't hold it together and broke down sobbing after baths tonight.

I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. I'm tired of worrying about how up-in-the-air our future is. I'm tired of worrying about how badly I'm messing up our kids...wondering if I'm making the right decisions and having no one that REALLY understands to bounce ideas/frustrations off. I'm tired of going non-stop from 5 am to 11 pm every.single.day trying to stay caught up on everything and still being constantly behind. Single parenthood blows, in case you were wondering. I miss the friendship, the companionship and the company. I miss the warm body next to me at night. I miss the gentle kiss on the forehead. I miss you. 

And that's what I told Laura when she saw me sobbing. She was so worried, "What's wrong, Mama?" I told her that I was sad and missed her Daddy. "Me, too Mama. I want Daddy too. Here's blankey. You be ok?"  She gave me her prized blankey that gets shared with no one. And a big bear hug and snuggles. And she kept asking me if I was ok. "You ok, Mama?  Daddy's in Heaven right now. You ok?" I told her that I would be ok and pulled myself together. 

But I'm not ok and I don't know how I ever will be. Everyone keeps telling me how well I'm doing and how well I'm coping. But I'm not doing well. I'm beat down. I want to give up and crawl in a hole. I want somebody with a crystal ball to tell me how this story goes for the next 40 years so I can quit worrying and wondering. It seems like everything is an uphill battle recently and I just don't know how much fight I have left in me.

Easter

We survived Easter. The girls had fun and I managed to avoid most questions at the extended stranger family dinner. I focused on the girls but my mind still drifted to what should have been. He should have been at the park with us for their first egg hunt. He should have been with me getting baskets ready. He should have seen Laura's disgust that the Bunny hid all her eggs. He should have seen Clara and her first Easter. sigh

As we near what should be his 33rd birthday (1 week from today) I'm struggling...big time.

Needs

A fellow widow (late 50's, widowed for one week today) recently told me, "You're the strongest person I know. I'm not strong like you." I told her that I'm nothing special. Because I'm not. Fake it 'til you make it.

I feel like I'm floating through life, from one commitment to the next and being pulled in too many directions at once. I feel like people think I'm doing ok. And I guess I am...doing ok...because ok is all I have right now. But really...who wants to be just ok? People think they know what I need. An extended family Easter on Sunday..."sounds like it's going to be a nice little get together for something other than a funeral."  Gee, thanks Mom. I guess that depends on who you are and what your definition of nice is. My idea of a "nice" Easter without my husband and my daughter's Dad would be a quiet one with immediate family. Not a dog and pony show with aunts/uncles/cousins that I haven't seen or been in touch with in years. People that won't stay in touch with me because right now, I feel like all they want is the "scoop." M y idea of a "nice" Easter doesn't include re-hashing the events of January 23, answering the stupid-ass question "so, how are you doing" a bajillion times, feeling their steely eyes follow me wherevever I go all day just waiting for me to breakdow, and hearing the whispers behind my back, "so...how is she REALLY doing?"  I don't NEED these strangers family around on Sunday. Re-connect on your own time, not on my grief.

I don't NEED to "just get away awhile...just by yourself."  Why?! So I have even more down time to think about everything we have lost and how things should be? Yeah, that sounds "relaxing" and "rejuvenating."  And you know what else I don't need? Someone constantly tracking my every move. I am a 32-year old adult. I don't NEED to check-in with you and tell you my every move. I don't NEED to seek permission to do something or take my girls and go somewhere for the day. I am their parent...their ONLY LIVING parent, and I make the decisions, not you. And you know what? Your hurt feelings are the least of my concerns these days. If your feelings get hurt because I prioritize myself and my girls over you then I guess you're just going to have hurt feelings and deal with it.

This is what I need:

I need him...my best friend, confidante, soul mate. I need him to tell me "as long as we have each other, we can get through anything." I need to talk about how lucky we are that our marriage is easy. I need his passion.

I need to feel this joy and happiness...this security. I need him to tuck my hair behind my ear, hold my hand as we fall asleep or drive in the car, hold me tight as I cry a million tears.

I need my outdoorsman and I need him to share his love of the oudoors with our girls. 

I need my hard-working family man.The man that would melt at his daughters' request. The man who told them, "You have the best Mommy ever." The man who assured me that I was doing ok. The man who worried about my lack of sleep (as I type this at 11:45 PM), who told me to sit down and take a break, who could melt the stress and the fears away.  I need to feel his touch and his love. I need to tell him about my day, the girls' days and I need him to be as excited as only a parent can be over the little things they say and do. I need him to see Clara working so hard taking her first steps, waving bye-bye, saying "hi" and giving kisses. I need my partner. They need their Daddy. I'm broken and I don't think I will ever be whole again.