God, how I wish I could have just one more day. One more day to make sure he KNOWS how much I love him. How much I NEED him. <cue ugly cry on the drive to work this morning>
I can't count the times
I almost said what's on my mind
But I didn't
Just the other day
I wrote down all the things I'd say
But I couldn't
I just couldn't
Baby I know that you've been wondering
so here goes nothing
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW
BABY I'M CRAZY BOUT YOU
AND I WOULD BE LYING IF I SAID
THAT I COULD LIVE THIS LIFE WITHOUT YOU
EVEN THOUGH I <DIDN'T> TELL YOU ALL THE TIME
YOU HAD MY HEART A LONG LONG TIME AGO
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G21h08qrbss
I have life decisions that need to be made...in particular, a potential job change, a pour-over will, deciding custody of our children if/when something should happen to me and investing the blood money. (Yes, I think of it as blood money). And there is NO ONE here to help me through these decisions. No one to tell me I'm crazy...to offer a different perspective....to reassure me that everything will be ok. No one to tell me that they'll support me in whatever decision I make. No one to plan a future with. It's just me....standing at the end of a limb wondering if I should cling to it or take the leap.
In case you didn't know....I'm feeling a bit lost and abandoned these days.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Friday, August 19, 2016
Stuck in the middle
It seems to be an ongoing battle...caring what someone else thinks and not giving a rat's ass what their opinion is. Right now, I'm stuck in the middle.
There was a time...that seems so very long ago, that I told Sam that she was like the older sister I never had. That when I needed to cry and vent, I could go to her. That I could depend on her for anything and knew she'd always be there. She was there when I miscarried, she was there when we lost Will and she was there...kind of...when I lost Sam. But somewhere in losing him, I seem to have acquired a backbone of steel and that has pushed her away. You know....because I called her out on stealing stuff from my garage and then didn't fall into her trap of trying to turn it back on me.
The stealing confrontation was almost a year ago and we haven't been on good terms since. I try not to let it bother me. It takes far too much energy and really....she isn't worth my time. It's become apparent to me that she's only "there for me" when it makes her look good. When there are other people around to see it and she thinks it makes her look important. Like an outstanding SIL and Aunt to the girls. But when push comes to shove....if it's not about her, if it's not her idea or if it doesn't benefit her in any way, she's not interested.
So why do I care? Why do I care that she doesn't message me anymore during the day to vent or share frustrations? Why do I care that she doesn't "like" my FB posts anymore...even when they are of her ridiculously cute nieces (yes, I'm biased). Why do I care that she didn't wish me a happy mother's day? That she(they) didn't make it a priority to be at DD2's birthday party or any of the girls' events this summer? Well...that last one is easy to explain. I care about that because Sam and I spent HOURS of time coaching their kids, following them OUT OF STATE to support them in their events all in anticipation that the support would be returned. Foolish, apparently.
But the rest of it? Why do I let it bother me? It's not like I need her approval or acceptance. I'm a grown adult trying to raise two girls...I don't need a caretaker. I have strong relationships with many friends, with my family, with my MIL. I have a successful, flexible career that provides for us without assistance from anyone. I have resilient kids who like to be busy, active and involved. I'm taken my health and fitness into my own hands and it has empowered me to try to be better, everyday.
But it does bother me. I stalk the "likes" on my posts to see if she (or him) has supported it. And when their name doesn't show up in a list of 100+...disappointment and resentment sets in.
WHY?
I think, at the core, it's because I feel cheated and deceived. Deceived into thinking that I had a sister-like relationship in her and cheated out of the time we spent supporting their family when it's obviously not going to be returned. I feel taken advantage of and it pisses me off.
But maybe, just maybe, they are resentful of me. Because I, obviously, don't NEED them to survive this life. I don't NEED them to coddle me. I've become very self-sufficient. I'm a goal-digger, decision-maker and I do what needs to be done. Is that the problem? That they feel left out of the life I was supposed to have? And if that's the case....how do I bridge the gap without being the one to continuously extend the olive branch? Because, honestly, I'm tired of trying to repair a relationship that has so many weak links. I'm tired of putting myself out there only to be stabbed in the back, once again.
There was a time...that seems so very long ago, that I told Sam that she was like the older sister I never had. That when I needed to cry and vent, I could go to her. That I could depend on her for anything and knew she'd always be there. She was there when I miscarried, she was there when we lost Will and she was there...kind of...when I lost Sam. But somewhere in losing him, I seem to have acquired a backbone of steel and that has pushed her away. You know....because I called her out on stealing stuff from my garage and then didn't fall into her trap of trying to turn it back on me.
The stealing confrontation was almost a year ago and we haven't been on good terms since. I try not to let it bother me. It takes far too much energy and really....she isn't worth my time. It's become apparent to me that she's only "there for me" when it makes her look good. When there are other people around to see it and she thinks it makes her look important. Like an outstanding SIL and Aunt to the girls. But when push comes to shove....if it's not about her, if it's not her idea or if it doesn't benefit her in any way, she's not interested.
So why do I care? Why do I care that she doesn't message me anymore during the day to vent or share frustrations? Why do I care that she doesn't "like" my FB posts anymore...even when they are of her ridiculously cute nieces (yes, I'm biased). Why do I care that she didn't wish me a happy mother's day? That she(they) didn't make it a priority to be at DD2's birthday party or any of the girls' events this summer? Well...that last one is easy to explain. I care about that because Sam and I spent HOURS of time coaching their kids, following them OUT OF STATE to support them in their events all in anticipation that the support would be returned. Foolish, apparently.
But the rest of it? Why do I let it bother me? It's not like I need her approval or acceptance. I'm a grown adult trying to raise two girls...I don't need a caretaker. I have strong relationships with many friends, with my family, with my MIL. I have a successful, flexible career that provides for us without assistance from anyone. I have resilient kids who like to be busy, active and involved. I'm taken my health and fitness into my own hands and it has empowered me to try to be better, everyday.But it does bother me. I stalk the "likes" on my posts to see if she (or him) has supported it. And when their name doesn't show up in a list of 100+...disappointment and resentment sets in.
WHY?
I think, at the core, it's because I feel cheated and deceived. Deceived into thinking that I had a sister-like relationship in her and cheated out of the time we spent supporting their family when it's obviously not going to be returned. I feel taken advantage of and it pisses me off.
But maybe, just maybe, they are resentful of me. Because I, obviously, don't NEED them to survive this life. I don't NEED them to coddle me. I've become very self-sufficient. I'm a goal-digger, decision-maker and I do what needs to be done. Is that the problem? That they feel left out of the life I was supposed to have? And if that's the case....how do I bridge the gap without being the one to continuously extend the olive branch? Because, honestly, I'm tired of trying to repair a relationship that has so many weak links. I'm tired of putting myself out there only to be stabbed in the back, once again.
Monday, August 1, 2016
They're Back
They're back. The vivid, real-life dreams that leave me breathless and yearning for more only to wake up to find myself back in reality. The dreams that live in the back of my mind for two days later...tugging at my heart and my memories. The ones that threaten to send my mood into a downward spiral. The ones that make me feel like maybe he really is here with us.
Two nights ago: We were at a party, pre-kids. And by party...I mean we were hanging out at a friends' house me patiently waiting for the beer supply to dwindle so we could go home. He didn't get obnoxiously drunk often, but when he did...oh boy. And it was like that this night. Emotions were high...he got pissy and stalked off. And we didn't speak for a couple hours. And then I approached him and heard myself say, "I can't do this" to which he replied "me either." And he kissed me with such passion. I swear I could feel his lips...feel his touch, smell his cologne. And I could see him plain as day, sitting in front of me in his old brown pickup. And then it was gone. I was awake...alone in bed and wanting more. Wishing for everything I had to be able to mutter those words "I can't do this" and have him come racing back to me.
And so I've sat and stewed about it and felt sorry for myself for the last two days. Felt sorry for the girls who are missing out on knowing this fantastic man. Felt sorry for myself for having to face the rest of this life, alone.
Two nights ago: We were at a party, pre-kids. And by party...I mean we were hanging out at a friends' house me patiently waiting for the beer supply to dwindle so we could go home. He didn't get obnoxiously drunk often, but when he did...oh boy. And it was like that this night. Emotions were high...he got pissy and stalked off. And we didn't speak for a couple hours. And then I approached him and heard myself say, "I can't do this" to which he replied "me either." And he kissed me with such passion. I swear I could feel his lips...feel his touch, smell his cologne. And I could see him plain as day, sitting in front of me in his old brown pickup. And then it was gone. I was awake...alone in bed and wanting more. Wishing for everything I had to be able to mutter those words "I can't do this" and have him come racing back to me.
And so I've sat and stewed about it and felt sorry for myself for the last two days. Felt sorry for the girls who are missing out on knowing this fantastic man. Felt sorry for myself for having to face the rest of this life, alone.
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