Maybe I should have seen it coming. I keep replaying random events of the last 6-9 months over and over in my head, connecting the pieces. Conversations we had, comments that were made, things we did...at the time they didn't seem out of the ordinary. Now they seem extraordinary.
Last Thursday morning, the day you left for your trip: You told me to have fun with the girls and that you wouldn't be around to annoy me. Haha...not so funny now.
Last Tuesday night: You were irritated with me because I was going to cancel a doctor's appointment instead of trying to make arrangements for the girls since you were going to have to work late. You made the arrangements for me and said, "See, that wasn't so hard. I did it for you so you wouldn't have to ask for help." I admitted that I don't like asking for help. You replied: "Well you need to get better at it." At the time I rolled my eyes...now I'm eating my words trying to figure out how in the world I'm going to do this by myself WITHOUT asking for help....I'm not.
Last Tuesday night: You came home from work to get me and the girls to go with you to buy the groceries for your trip. This NEVER happened before. You ALWAYS went by yourself for trip-groceries. But Laura has recently discovered the kid-sized shopping carts and LOVES to "shop". When I asked if you were sure you wanted to take us all along, "Sure...why not. Laura will have fun and i haven't seen her "shop" lately."
This past winter: You were adamant about building a bookcase for Clara. I tried to get you to just go buy one but you insisted that it was something you wanted to do for her, so she would have something from you. Ok...made sense. You had made Laura a quilt rack. But looking back, you worked your ass off to get that bookcase (mostly) finished before your trip.
Christmas: We had agreed not to buy each other gifts. To focus on the girls and nieces and nephews. "Santa" brought me a diamond necklace and coordinating necklaces for each of the girls. The only diamonds you had ever bought me was my wedding ring and a pair of studs for my birthday a few years ago...that I picked out. You did this on your own and were so proud/excited for us to open them. You said, "I wanted my girls to have matching necklaces from me...something you'll all always have." Aw....how sweet. And now I am so very thankful that you were hard-headed and didn't abide by our "no gifts" rule.
Last fall: You asked me to check on preference points. I did...we missed the deadline by one day. Apparently we must have missed a couple years because not only did you miss out on buying any, you lost all those you had accumulated. I thought you were going to be pissed...you shrugged it off as an "oh well" and never brought it up again. Looking back, that was SO strange...hunting was (one of) your passions.
Last fall: You didn't complain AT.ALL about having family pictures taken. You were not a picture person AT.ALL and typically raged about "having" to have them done and why couldn't I just photoshop an old pic of you into it.
Last summer: You insisted we take a family camping trip, even though Clara was only a couple months old. Camping trips in the past typically turned into the moms/women hanging out at the campground with the kids while the dads/men fished all day. This trip was different...fishing took a backseat and you guys spent more time playing with the kids in the sand and lake than you did fishing. It was awesome and the kids had a blast.
Last week: You told me you were having second thoughts about going on the annual ice fishing trip. You said it always sounded good in theory, but the night before it's time to leave you second guess going because you're going to miss "your girls." "But I know they'll be in good hands, because they'll have their Mommy," you said. Yeah, yeah....go and have fun, I told you. I knew you always looked forward to these trips and it was a short trip this year...you'd be home in a few days.
The what if's kill me. The unknown suffocates me. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep moving forward and raise these girls "by myself." Yes...I have a huge network of help available. But that's not the point. The point is we signed up to do this together...they are my responsibility and I owe it to them. What am I supposed to tell Laura when she asks (again) when Daddy is coming home? Will she ever really understand or will she just quit asking one day? How am I supposed to make sure Clara remembers her time with you...she only had 8.5 months. I don't have any answers. The only small piece of comfort I find is that you were always the most selfless, giving man I had ever known. You would give your shirt off your back to anyone, never knew a stranger and was always the first to help whomever needed it. And that's why you went on the trip this year. Because you saved the life of that little boy. Somebody was going in the water and if it hadn't been you, it would've been him. And you couldn't let another family endure the pain of losing a child. So you put someone else's needs ahead of your own, like you always did. And now Will has his Daddy and you have yours. And until we all meet again, the girls have their Mommy.
And I'm just gong to have to figure it out and make sure they know they have the best damn Daddy in the whole entire world. I love you. I miss you. Every day is harder than the previous and it's only been 4 days. But I hold my promise to you...I will not let myself sink to the bottom. I will be strong for our girls. For you. For me. Because right now, it's the only option I have.
