How do you do it Shonda Rhimes? How do you manage to mimic
my life, my feelings, my inner thoughts, my fears?
Oct 2011 – We unexpectedly lose our son at 39 weeks.
Stillborn.
May 2012 – Amelia loses her newborn son. (Private Practice)
January 2015 – I unexpectedly become a widow with two very
young kids; a widow due to a freak accident in which the hands of the rescuers
were tied.
April 2015 – Derek dies. Meredith is a widow with two young
kids; a widow due to a freak accident. (Grey's Anatomy)
You might think that watching this version of my life play
out on tv would haunt and torture me. Is it easy? God no. But there’s something
about it that makes me feel a little less alone. It forces me to face emotions
I try to bury…forces me to name the feelings I couldn’t before find words for. And it gives those on the outside looking into my life an idea of what I'm dealing with.
The carousel never stops turning. It’s funny the way memory
works. The things you can’t quite remember, and the things you never forget.
He was the love of my life. I doubt I'll ever love another man the way I loved him. I'm certain I won't. How could I? But he's gone. That's the point, isn't it? He's gone and I'm here. And there's no getting him back.
I wish Daddy were here.
It's awful being a grown-up. But the carousel never stops turning.
You've never lost the love of your life. You've never cried over the body of the person you love most in this world. You don't know how that messes a person up. You've never had to claw your way back from that.
I can live without you, but I don't want to. I don't ever want to.
I still get up every morning. I face every day. I don't get to jump on a plane and fly halfway across the damn world.
What the hell is going on? What’s the point? I mean, is there a reason for this? Because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all why the universe is so screwed up and random and mean, now would be an amazingly good time to tell me because I really need some answers.
Nothing comes easily. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime.
He's gone and I know he's gone. And the bed feels lonely. Nothing comes easily. I don't know how to sleep alone. Where do I begin? Nothing can bring me peace I miss you. I've lost everything. I just want to feel your embrace.
I know people were worried. Since he died, everybody's been looking at me, waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or just become a mess. Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off.
And I'm all alone. Now I have to raise my daughter[s] alone. How am I expected to do that?
I needed more time with him, but it just keeps going forward faster and faster and there is no more time. You can't go back, you can't press pause.
If there's a crisis you don't freeze. You move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse.
It's a choice I'm making. To move forward. To move past this. I can do that.
The carousel never stops turning. No matter how hard I drag my feet, it keeps turning and the calendar pages keep turning, the girls keep growing and life moves forward. I have to be present for them...active in their lives. I have to figure out how to make this work for the three of us. Love them SO HARD so they know how much their Daddy loves[d] them.
He was the love of my life. I doubt I'll ever love another man the way I loved him. I'm certain I won't. How could I? But he's gone. That's the point, isn't it? He's gone and I'm here. And there's no getting him back.
I wish Daddy were here.
It's awful being a grown-up. But the carousel never stops turning.
You've never lost the love of your life. You've never cried over the body of the person you love most in this world. You don't know how that messes a person up. You've never had to claw your way back from that.
I can live without you, but I don't want to. I don't ever want to.
I still get up every morning. I face every day. I don't get to jump on a plane and fly halfway across the damn world.
What the hell is going on? What’s the point? I mean, is there a reason for this? Because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all why the universe is so screwed up and random and mean, now would be an amazingly good time to tell me because I really need some answers.
Nothing comes easily. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime.
He's gone and I know he's gone. And the bed feels lonely. Nothing comes easily. I don't know how to sleep alone. Where do I begin? Nothing can bring me peace I miss you. I've lost everything. I just want to feel your embrace.
I know people were worried. Since he died, everybody's been looking at me, waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or just become a mess. Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off.
And I'm all alone. Now I have to raise my daughter[s] alone. How am I expected to do that?
I needed more time with him, but it just keeps going forward faster and faster and there is no more time. You can't go back, you can't press pause.
If there's a crisis you don't freeze. You move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse.
It's a choice I'm making. To move forward. To move past this. I can do that.
The carousel never stops turning. No matter how hard I drag my feet, it keeps turning and the calendar pages keep turning, the girls keep growing and life moves forward. I have to be present for them...active in their lives. I have to figure out how to make this work for the three of us. Love them SO HARD so they know how much their Daddy loves[d] them.
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