* I survived Mother's Day weekend. I spent time with friends the night before Mother's Day. On Sunday, I spent some time by myself distracted by the task of trying to organize/muck closets. I packed up his ridiculous collection of shoes by the door I was tired of tripping over. I packed up his clothes out of the dresser but couldn't go any further. I spent some time with the girls and my parents. I accomplished little but thinking of what should have been. There should have been a little boy with us, too. And his Daddy. Instead, there were the three of us and lots of "girl hugs."
* Clara turned 1! I can't believe that a year has passed since we welcomed our Baby Girl into this world. She is the sweetest little instigator loved beyond words. Sam would have been beaming watching her ride her new 4-wheeler. He would have been irritated with the amount of time I spent working on decorations that no one but me cares about. But he would have been proud of his Baby Girl. The day was so very bittersweet...the first of many birthdays to come without him.
* I continue to fight insurance through my attorney. The appeal period is drawing near and I'm ready to just be done with it. I'm still avoiding things like taking his name off our accounts, insurance and changing all of our vehicle titles.
* I'm trying to plan vacation and get us ready to go for the annual week-long camping trip. And by trying I mean I've thought little about it except when we're going, which is now only 3 weeks away. I still have menus/food to prep, a camper to clean and pack. But, see, that's the hold up. Because I'll be cleaning out his stuff and NOT repacking it. Camping was his hobby that he introduced me to. We had big plans of taking the girls on many camping/fishing trips, we bought a new camper big enough for all of us two years ago. And now he's not here and I'm left to make sure these things happen on my own, with the help of friends. But it's not the same and it will never be the same.
* Laura asked about Daddy for the first time in a while last night while we were showering. The conversation went something like this:
"Daddy never coming home, Mama?" No, Punkin, Daddy won't be coming home. "It's ok Mama. I saw him yesterday. I played with Daddy." What did you play? Rode bikes, build castles, RZR ride. I had fun. I'm glad you got to play with Daddy and that you had fun. Daddy loves you.
I am so very glad that she gets experiences like this and I hope they don't end anytime soon. I also hope she continues sharing them with me.
* Clara pointed to the family portrait on the wall last night and said "Dada." Repeatedly...over and over. Even after getting distracted by something else, she was right back to identifying Daddy on the wall.
* I'm avoiding giving any thought to what should be our 7th wedding anniversary on Sunday. We never made a huge deal out of anniversaries but it still hits hard that there will never be another. I think I'll just hide out at home with the girls with the doors locked and shades drawn. It's supposed to rain all day (again) anyway.
I think, overall, I'm mentally in a better place than I was. I've accepted that I'm a single-parent regardless of doing everything "by the books" the last 32 years of my life. I'm grateful that the girls and I have such a strong network of close friends that pick us up when we are down, step into that father-role for my girls more times than I can count and just let us be...without judgment. My girls have so many pseudo-Dads/uncles that they'll never be able to get away with anything (or have lots of help pulling it off)!
But no matter how much time passes, there will always be a lump in my throat, a tear in my eye and a hole in my heart.
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