It Finally Happened

After at week back at work and almost 4 weeks after losing you, it finally happened.  I was at annual refresher training, surrounded by co-workers, many whom I don't see very often and sometimes only once a year at this annual event. I used to work with him at Jacobs Ranch when I was on the conveyor project. In trying to make small-talk before one of the classes started he asked, "So are you still married?"

Heart breaks again. I'm sure I looked like a deer caught in the headlights. It took me what seemed like forever to answer and the best I could come up with? "Yeah...I guess kinda...it's complicated." And when he had no idea what I was talking about I had to force the words "My husband passed away 3 weeks ago" fighting back tears and willing my voice not to break. (it didn't work) And then I saw the realization hit his eyes and the wheels start turning. He had read the news, heard about the accident but didn't connect it back to me. And he felt horrible.

I should have prepared myself for this question. It's not like I didn't know it wouldn't come up. It's like the "How many kids do you have" question people so innocently ask except it's not innocent to us BLM's (baby loss moms). Because it breaks our heart. And so did this question.

Am I married? Yes, in my heart. " 'Til death do us part"...I'm not ready for the part yet. My mother-in-law (also widowed) has mentioned in passing that it is "proper etiquette" for widows to wear their wedding ring on their right hand. She's not trying to be rude or obnoxious...but I'm not ready and I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Because in my heart I will ALWAYS be married to you.

But I guess in the meantime, I better figure out an answer to that seemingly-innocent question.