Ramblings

I went back to work Monday. The hour-long drive was brutal...too much time to think/let my mind wander and too many songs on the radio that I finally had to turn it off. How can it be that EVERY song on EVERY station reminded me of you and/or everything we've lost? Today was day 3...I made it through the day without crying. I think that's a first. And I don't know whether to be proud or sad. I guess I'm both.

I finally received the certified copies of the death certificate...asphyxia, drowning and hypothermia with a time interval of minutes. When there is too much time to think, my mind has often wandered...wondering what you were thinking when you went through...what you felt..if/how long you suffered...if our little boy called you home. I can't let myself go there...it gets too dark and I just hope that the imagination is worse than the actual events. Oh yeah...those death certificates? I have to send them all back because they screwed up our address...just like I had to with Will's. Coincidence?

Which means the paperwork is still piling up and I'm still in financial limbo. I'll be ok but I hate the unsettled feeling. And the thank you's still aren't done...titles haven't been addressed....utilities haven't been changed...the list is never-ending.

I finally put my foot down with the Grandma's tonight. One (or both) of them have been out here til/past the girls' bedtimes every night. I couldn't take it anymore. Not only was I missing out on precious time with our girls but I was tired of the staring eyes that were CONSTANTLY on me. And tonight went well. Granted, we still have meals being delivered by friends every night so I didn't have to cook. But we ate, kitchen picked up, bath time, played toys, watched part of a movie, read books and the girls were asleep in their own beds by 8:45. Clara even put herself to sleep. I'm not saying it was easy or meltdown-free...but it's doable. I need to know that I can do this...because I'm going to have to do it on my own. I took for granted and never acknowledged/appreciated how much you did around here to help me out...for that I'm sorry.

People...random people...are stopping by to visit, requesting play dates with the girls or girls' nights out. It's weird. I'm forcing myself to participate but I'm getting tired of constantly running and not being at home. Laura is even requesting to stay home.

Laura...oh sweet Laura. I think she is starting to grasp that you are gone forever. She's struggled the last few mornings wanting/crying for you. I tell her that you won't be coming home. That you're in Heaven but we can see you in pictures and we have you in our hearts. Last night was the first night she repeated all this back to me. And today she said she misses you. All I can do is tell her that I miss you, too. And then whatever piece is left of my shattered heart breaks into a million little pieces.

It's late. I'm sure one (or both) of the girls will be awake shortly...the nights have been rough. So I really need to try to sleep. I'm sleeping with one of your dirty t-shirts I dug out of the laundry. It brings some comfort but it's not the same. Nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same.