Milk & Cookies

Laura amazes me. She is such a strong little girl, recognizing that she misses Daddy but telling me "I be ok, Mama."  And then out of the blue, she does something just like he used to or asks to do something they did together. Last night, it was milk & cookies. She asked for a cookie...my kid who doesn't even care for sweets, asked for a cookie. But she insisted she wanted a cookie so I gave it to her.

L: "And something to dip it in, Mama."
Me: "Honey, we don't dip cookies in anything."
L: "I want to dunk it Mama!"
Me: "I don't have anything to dunk it in!"
L: "No, Mama. Like Daddy used to."

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. She remembers the two times they had milk and cookies before bed shortly before he passed away. He sat her on the counter, got them each a glass of milk and had milk and cookies. Well...she dunked, and he ate the cookies. And my heart burst...burst with joy that she remembers these seemingly small, everyday things and with tears that he's not here for her.

So I sat her on the counter and we had milk and cookies. A glass of milk for each of us.

Daddies

Scene: 45 minutes after bedtime because she just refuses to close her eyes. Or let me leave.

Laura: Those kids at the pool have Daddies, Mama?

Me: Yep...everybody has a Daddy.

Laura: My Daddy's in Heaven. With Jesus.

Me: Yep, sweetie, you're right.

Laura: Those pictures over there...that's my Daddy. My Daddy loves me very much.

Me: tears You're right, punkin, your Daddy does love you very much.

Laura: Daddy loves you too, Mama. And Clara. And me.

Me: Daddy loves everybody, honey.

Laura: Why?

Me:  Because your Daddy is extra special.

Laura: My Daddy loves me very much. drifts off to sleep

[SIGH]

Updating

I've been MIA for a while. Life has been such a confusing, busy whirlwind this month. When I have thoughts I want to jot down, I don't have time. And when I have the time, the thoughts have escaped my exhausted brain.

* I survived Mother's Day weekend. I spent time with friends the night before Mother's Day. On Sunday, I spent some time by myself distracted by the task of trying to organize/muck closets. I packed up his ridiculous collection of shoes by the door I was tired of tripping over. I packed up his clothes out of the dresser but couldn't go any further. I spent some time with the girls and my parents. I accomplished little but thinking of what should have been. There should have been a little boy with us, too. And his Daddy. Instead, there were the three of us and lots of  "girl hugs."

* Clara turned 1! I can't believe that a year has passed since we welcomed our Baby Girl into this world. She is the sweetest little instigator loved beyond words. Sam would have been beaming watching her ride her new 4-wheeler. He would have been irritated with the amount of time I spent working on decorations that no one but me cares about. But he would have been proud of his Baby Girl. The day was so very bittersweet...the first of many birthdays to come without him.

* I continue to fight insurance through my attorney. The appeal period is drawing near and I'm ready to just be done with it. I'm still avoiding things like taking his name off our accounts, insurance and changing all of our vehicle titles.

* I'm trying to plan vacation and get us ready to go for the annual week-long camping trip. And by trying I mean I've thought little about it except when we're going, which is now only 3 weeks away. I still have menus/food to prep, a camper to clean and pack. But, see, that's the hold up. Because I'll be cleaning out his stuff and NOT repacking it. Camping was his hobby that he introduced me to. We had big plans of taking the girls on many camping/fishing trips, we bought a new camper big enough for all of us two years ago. And now he's not here and I'm left to make sure these things happen on my own, with the help of friends. But it's not the same and it will never be the same.

* Laura asked about Daddy for the first time in a while last night while we were showering. The conversation went something like this:

"Daddy never coming home, Mama?" No, Punkin, Daddy won't be coming home. "It's ok Mama. I saw him yesterday. I played with Daddy." What did you play? Rode bikes, build castles, RZR ride. I had fun. I'm glad you got to play with Daddy and that you had fun. Daddy loves you.

I am so very glad that she gets experiences like this and I hope they don't end anytime soon. I also hope she continues sharing them with me.

* Clara pointed to the family portrait on the wall last night and said "Dada."  Repeatedly...over and over. Even after getting distracted by something else, she was right back to identifying Daddy on the wall.

* I'm avoiding giving any thought to what should be our 7th wedding anniversary on Sunday. We never made a huge deal out of anniversaries but it still hits hard that there will never be another. I think I'll just hide out at home with the girls with the doors locked and shades drawn. It's supposed to rain all day (again) anyway.

I think, overall, I'm mentally in a better place than I was. I've accepted that I'm a single-parent regardless of doing everything "by the books" the last 32 years of my life. I'm grateful that the girls and I have such a strong network of close friends that pick us up when we are down, step into that father-role for my girls more times than I can count and just let us be...without judgment. My girls have so many pseudo-Dads/uncles that they'll never be able to get away with anything (or have lots of help pulling it off)!

But no matter how much time passes, there will always be a lump in my throat, a tear in my eye and a hole in my heart.

Hitting Hard

It hit me again, hard, tonight that this is my life. I don't know what triggered it. Maybe it was making it through what should have been your 33rd birthday last Wednesday. Maybe it was worrying about fighting life insurance for the last week and what an unfavorable outcome may mean for the girls' future. Maybe it was watching Laura absolutely ATTACH herself to your buddies last weekend as they were working on the playhouse. She THRIVED all weekend. She NEEDED that "man" time. Except it should have been with you. Maybe it was the concerned questions at work today both in person and over the phone. Maybe it was watching Clara take 6 consecutive steps tonight...wishing I had another set of hands to video it and wishing those hands were yours. Maybe it's the fact that I am just completely exhausted. Whatever it was, it triggered me. And I couldn't hold it together and broke down sobbing after baths tonight.

I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. I'm tired of worrying about how up-in-the-air our future is. I'm tired of worrying about how badly I'm messing up our kids...wondering if I'm making the right decisions and having no one that REALLY understands to bounce ideas/frustrations off. I'm tired of going non-stop from 5 am to 11 pm every.single.day trying to stay caught up on everything and still being constantly behind. Single parenthood blows, in case you were wondering. I miss the friendship, the companionship and the company. I miss the warm body next to me at night. I miss the gentle kiss on the forehead. I miss you. 

And that's what I told Laura when she saw me sobbing. She was so worried, "What's wrong, Mama?" I told her that I was sad and missed her Daddy. "Me, too Mama. I want Daddy too. Here's blankey. You be ok?"  She gave me her prized blankey that gets shared with no one. And a big bear hug and snuggles. And she kept asking me if I was ok. "You ok, Mama?  Daddy's in Heaven right now. You ok?" I told her that I would be ok and pulled myself together. 

But I'm not ok and I don't know how I ever will be. Everyone keeps telling me how well I'm doing and how well I'm coping. But I'm not doing well. I'm beat down. I want to give up and crawl in a hole. I want somebody with a crystal ball to tell me how this story goes for the next 40 years so I can quit worrying and wondering. It seems like everything is an uphill battle recently and I just don't know how much fight I have left in me.

My Daddy Left Me

Scenario: Bath time last night. Happily playing and "swimming."  Then out of nowhere Laura starts crying big alligator tears.

Me: What's wrong?

L: I want my Daddy!

Me:  I know, sweetie, I want your Daddy too. But he's in Heaven, remember? And we have him in our hearts and can see him in pictures and in our dreams.

L: I want my Daddy HERE!

Me: I know...me, too.  It makes me mad and sad that Daddy isn't here.

L: My Daddy left me.

Me:  He didn't mean to, sweetheart. It was an accident. fighting my own tears

L: I love my Daddy.

Me:  And he loves you, too.  And Clara loves you and Mommy loves you.

L: I love Mommy. giggles

And then we played a round of "I love you more"

Daddy's Here!

It was last Friday morning. Laura had a GREAT night and nearly slept through the night....albeit in the recliner but at least she slept! I was watching her sleep as I was picking up the living room and saw her smile and giggle a little bit. Warmed my heart. When I woke her up at 6:20 to get ready for daycare, she sat straight up and with wide bright eyes exclaimed, "DADDY'S HERE!"  Broke my heart.

She looked everywhere from the recliner...insisting that you were there. I tried to ask if you had visited her in her dreams...what you were doing and what you said. But she doesn't understand "dreams" yet. She just knew that you were there. I asked her where you went and she pointed to our bedroom and said "Daddy go in there." And she was adamant.

I have to believe that you came to see her, that you were there with us that morning. She NEEDED that. I needed that. Because we miss you terribly...more than words could ever describe. There is this big empty hole in our lives where you should be. And we're feeling it more and more everyday.

She Sang

Laura is a smart little cookie. She keeps telling me (and everyone that will listen) "My Daddy fishin' in heaven. Mommy stay here with me."  I told her that once. Two weeks ago.

And she misses you. And she wants you. She's becoming more and more vocal about her feelings. And all I can do is reaffirm them and reassure her that I want and miss you, too. Because what else can I do?

The other night she wanted you to sing with her. You used to sing songs with her when you put her to bed. ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle, Itsy Bitsy. And she craved that the other night. I told her Mommy would sing with her...she told me no. I told her that you could hear her in Heaven so she could sing you a song. "No Mommy. WITH Daddy." She dropped it then, and so did I.

But tonight...she asked if she could sing Daddy ABCD's. I told her absolutely. And with quiet tears streaming down my face I listened to our little girl sing her little heart out...ABC's to Daddy in Heaven.

I Miss Daddy, Too

It was a rough night last night and a rough morning.  I think Laura is starting to realize that Daddy hasn't been here in 2.5 weeks. And she's starting to realize that something's not right.

It was bedtime last night and we did our normal routine.  She asked for Daddy to "lay with me" several times.  "No Mommy...Daddy lay with me."  So we cried together and I told her that I wanted Daddy, too.  It only took her 15 minutes to calm down and fall asleep but those 15 minutes broke my heart.

She slept better last night, only getting up at 12:30 to move to the recliner.  But when she woke up on her own at 6:15 she was a bear the entire morning.  I can't count how many times she said she wanted Daddy to do something for her.  Brush her hair, turn on Mickey Mouse, get her milkie, carry her to the car, do her buckle on her car seat, "Daddy kiss me" and close my door.  Break.My.Heart.  So we both cried on the way to daycare and I told her, "I Miss Daddy, too, sweetheart."  I didn't know what else to say.

Because it's true...I miss her Daddy, my best friend, my husband, my confidante.  There are people everywhere, but it's not the same and I am SO LONELY.  It's the little things and the big things and everything in between.  I miss:

~ The way he would do those things for her she was asking for this morning.
~ The piece of toast and cup of coffee he'd make for me every morning while I was getting the girls ready.
~ That he'd help get all our daycare/work bags packed out to the car then come back in to help Laura put on her shoes and coat. (She can do them both by herself now, Daddy.)
~ That he'd kiss all his girls goodbye every morning...first Laura, then Clara then Mommy.  And he'd tell me to have good luck with daycare drop off, have a good day and to drive safe.
~ That most days he would call me at work between 8:30 and 9:00 just to check in to see how drop-off went and how my day was going.
~ That he'd check in on his way home from work to see if I needed him to do something.
~ That he'd be waiting in the shop to help get everything packed back into the house.
~ That Laura would look forward to going to "my house" so "Daddy get me" out of her car seat. Every. Night.
~ That he would help get supper ready or play with the girls while I cooked.  It was a team effort...effortless.
~ That I would get irritated with him sitting in the recliner while I got dishes done, girls through the tub and jammies on.
~ That he would pick up on my irritation and had started doing dishes while I did baths.
~ That we didn't worry about bills or cleaning or adult discussions at this time of the day...we had family time.  TV off...REAL family time playing toys, wrestling on the floor, tickle monsters, car races.  Real quality family time.
~ That the bedtime routine always started with him rocking Clara and ended with him falling asleep laying with Laura.
~ The small kisses and hugs he so freely gave throughout the day, for no reason at all.
~ That he'd wait for me to crawl into bed and pull me close for snuggles.
~ That I would fall asleep wrapped in his arms, him breathing loudly in my ear.

Everyone says that marriage is hard work.  Ours wasn't...ours was the easiest thing I've ever done. We both agreed and had commented on it several times over the last 6.5 years.  How lucky we were to have our best friend and that we didn't have to work at it.  I want my luck back.

I miss Daddy, too, sweetheart.