Nothing's been easy

It has been a while since I've been to this space. Partly by design, but mostly by default. The last 6 weeks have been brutal. Somebody recently asked me how things are going and the best thing I could come up with was, "Nothing's been easy."  I didn't elaborate, and nobody asked me to, because I am a depressing individual that nobody in my circle to relate to.

* I have been going back & forth with the monument company for months now, trying to get Sam's headstone finalized. About a month ago, I received a text stating that they were setting it that day. Hold on a minute...I hadn't even approved anything yet! After a panic attack, conspiracy theories and several phone calls I finally found out they were just pouring the concrete work. Since then I have cut the middle man and finally approved the design last week. It will likely still be several weeks before it is set.

* Strained relationships have really taken their toll on me. Those people whom I once called the "big sister/brother I never had" disappeared, got sneaky and were trying to take advantage of me by "pulling rank." I have had no extra energy to put toward dealing with them. I've tried several times to extend the olive branch and be the bigger person, but screw that. I'm tired of the bigger person. At the end of they day, they get to go home to their complete family unit. Their kids get to go home to both parents. We don't get that. I expected way more from them...expected them to be the ones to step up to the plate and be a constant in the girls' lives. Sam and I did everything we could to support their kids and I expected the same in return. That expectation, apparently, was too high. I told my MIL that I wouldn't be attending Thanksgiving dinner, but that the girls could go for a while, explaining that I wasn't going to willfully put myself in a miserable situation on a day that's already going to suck. I don't know what she said to them, but ever since then they have turned a corner. It's nice...a breath of fresh air to feel like they are in my corner again and I haven't lost them too, but I'm not holding my breath that the current state of affairs lasts.

* Will should have turned 4 on October 13. Nobody understands what it's like to be a BLM (baby loss mom) except other baby-loss parents. And my other half isn't here...I carry the burden by myself. This year hit me harder than I expected.

* As of October 23, Sam has been gone longer than he was present in Clara's life. Clara is nearly 18 months guys...that sucks. It's a hard blow for me to take.

* I finally settled the insurance appeal that has been hanging over my head for months. Receiving the news that they reversed their denial took a huge load off my shoulders.

* Halloween. I really, really don't like Halloween and I never have. I don't find much enjoyment out of dressing in costume and trick-or-treating. Halloween was Sam's...he picked out Laura's costumes, got her pumped for the holiday, trekked all over town trick-or-treating with her. And this year it fell solely on my shoulders. And while I feel that I rocked it...I still hate Halloween.

* Laura started hip hop dance class. I signed her up thinking she would love it and burn some extra energy. She spent the first two classes sobbing and not participating. The last three have been great...let's hope it lasts.

* Laura turned 3. Wow. I just can't believe how much she has matured and learned over the last several months. She is wise beyond her years, articulate, insightful...and hurting. Three, and the weeks leading up to have, has brought on breakdowns of "I just miss my Daddy, Mama" and "I just want Daddy to sleep with me, Mama." What do you say to that? Because it takes my breath away and breaks my heart every.single.time. It is hitting home that Daddy is gone forever and not coming back. I do my best to validate her feelings and talk about Daddy and tell her that we're going to be ok...that it's ok to miss Daddy and we're going to miss him forever, but we have to still get up and move forward because nobody is going to wait for us.

* I don't know how many times I had told Sam, "I'm so glad I don't have to ever do the dating thing again." Open mouth, insert foot. I don't know what I'm looking for, but he's interested. And knows me and knew Sam and knows our story. And knows that I'm hurting. But at the end of the day, I just don't have anything left to give to anyone, and that's not fair to him. The companionship is nice, but I feel like I'm starting to get in the groove as a single parent and the last thing we need right now is to disrupt that. So...I guess it is what it is and we'll see what it will be.

* Parenting, in general, has been such a struggle. I know I've written before about how I'm the sole decision maker and how frustrating it is. Well, it hasn't changed. Except I'm also the sole owie-kisser, disciplinarian, fun-planner and "is it doctor worthy" opinion maker. It's a big load to bear.

* Clara is definitely entering the "terrible twos" and isn't my easygoing baby anymore. She's opinionated, talking much more (NO! is very clear), tantrum-throwing and stubborn.

* And then there's this big white elephant hanging out at work...bankruptcy. But of course nobody wants to actually tell us what's going on, they want us to believe that everything is still rainbows & unicorns. But I'm not stupid and I think it will happen in the next week or so. And I have no idea what that means for the security of my job...and it's stressing me the F out.

Over the last six weeks, I felt myself spiraling downward out of control. It's like I was walking in circles...never accomplishing anything except reinforcing how alone I am. Constantly exhausted, finding little joy in anything, feeling perpetually annoyed by the girls' antics, overwhelmed. But I feel like I've got it back in control, a bit. I am trying so desperately hard to stand by my promise to Sam of not letting myself get too low, but it's so damn hard. This widowhood thing is a lonely place to be.

Dream Kisses

I have been waiting and praying for so incredibly long, but last night it finally happened. Sam came to me in my dreams. And he was real.  He was solid...I touched him. He took my face in his hands and said, "You're doing so good, Babe."  And he kissed me. And I bawled and told him how much I miss him and love him. He gave me his 100-watt smile, kissed me again and he was gone.

God, how I miss him. 

The Rings

I stopped wearing it 1.5 months ago. I was terrified of losing it and it was a daily reminder of what is no longer in my life. His wedding ring on a necklace.

I took it off 5 days ago. I was painting and didn't want the paint to get on it. I had intentions of putting it back on, but I haven't. The tan lines are gone...there is no longer a daily reminder of what is no longer in my life. My wedding ring no longer adorns my left hand, where it has been every day for the last 8.5 years. I'm not saying it's easy or comforting to look down and see my bare hand, but it doesn't feel wrong either.

Both rings are safely tucked away in my jewelry box.

sigh

Milk & Cookies

Laura amazes me. She is such a strong little girl, recognizing that she misses Daddy but telling me "I be ok, Mama."  And then out of the blue, she does something just like he used to or asks to do something they did together. Last night, it was milk & cookies. She asked for a cookie...my kid who doesn't even care for sweets, asked for a cookie. But she insisted she wanted a cookie so I gave it to her.

L: "And something to dip it in, Mama."
Me: "Honey, we don't dip cookies in anything."
L: "I want to dunk it Mama!"
Me: "I don't have anything to dunk it in!"
L: "No, Mama. Like Daddy used to."

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. She remembers the two times they had milk and cookies before bed shortly before he passed away. He sat her on the counter, got them each a glass of milk and had milk and cookies. Well...she dunked, and he ate the cookies. And my heart burst...burst with joy that she remembers these seemingly small, everyday things and with tears that he's not here for her.

So I sat her on the counter and we had milk and cookies. A glass of milk for each of us.

Daddies

Scene: 45 minutes after bedtime because she just refuses to close her eyes. Or let me leave.

Laura: Those kids at the pool have Daddies, Mama?

Me: Yep...everybody has a Daddy.

Laura: My Daddy's in Heaven. With Jesus.

Me: Yep, sweetie, you're right.

Laura: Those pictures over there...that's my Daddy. My Daddy loves me very much.

Me: tears You're right, punkin, your Daddy does love you very much.

Laura: Daddy loves you too, Mama. And Clara. And me.

Me: Daddy loves everybody, honey.

Laura: Why?

Me:  Because your Daddy is extra special.

Laura: My Daddy loves me very much. drifts off to sleep

[SIGH]

12, 13, 23, 24

Today is the 23rd. I hate the 23rd...and let's just throw the 24th and 12th and 13th in there, too. It doesn't matter the month...I hate these days. These are the 4 days that my world shattered.

October 12, 2011: Found out we lost the little boy we longed for, planned for and had been anxiously awaiting his arrival after a perfectly normal, textbook pregnancy. Exactly 1 week before his due date.

October 13, 2011: Delivered Will silently into this world. No newborn wails, just the wails of our hearts breaking as we tried to squeeze a lifetime of love and memories into a few short hours. No baby to take home, just an empty car seat and a purple box of keepsakes: a lock of his hair, hand and footprints.

January 23, 2015: My world was sent into a tailspin at 8:30 pm when I found out that you had gone under the ice and they couldn't find you. I found out 5 hours after it happened and in my heart I knew there was no hope but with every fiber of my being I wished and prayed that they had made a mistake. That you had somehow rescued yourself and they just didn't know it. But my heart knew as it shattered into a million pieces that you were gone...gone forever. Never to hear the last voicemail I sent you at 3:00 that afternoon.

January 24, 2015: I sat and watched every minute of the 3 hour recovery. Watched them pull you from the ice. Watched them transport you across the ice in a body bag behind a 4-wheeler. Watched them load you into the ambulance for transport to the funeral home. Identified you, crumbling over our unbelievable life story and your ice cold body. Overwhelmed by reality.

Scenes and memories I will never forget but will always wish weren't our story. And these days (12, 13, 23, 24) haunt me...they tear my heart out.

Picture taken January 23, 2015

Today, on the 23rd, you've been gone 6 months...half a year. It seems like yesterday and it seems like a lifetime ago that I kissed you for the last time. That I took a picture of you with your sweet girls. That I looked forward to your return home from a short trip...that you were HERE beside me. And I know that you are now at Will's side, but I love you and I so desperately miss you.

My Life

So I've come back to wondering, "How is this my life? Is this real? Please let this be a bad, long dream."

But let's be honest...it's real and it's not a dream. This is my life.

My life of missing my best friend with every fiber of my being every second of every day. My life of being an only-parent. I'm an only-parent, not a single-parent, because I didn't choose to raise our two babies on my own. And being an only-parent is utterly exhausting. Their well-being is my top priority and I worry about them. Will they remember their Daddy? (Laura may, there's no chance in hell Clara will and that absolutely breaks my heart.) Am I doing things like we would have if there were still two of us to make decisions and discipline? Am I giving them enough opportunities and not expecting too much of them at too young of an age? Am I spending enough time playing with them while also giving them their own space to explore and develop independence? Am I enabling them because they've been robbed of growing up with a Daddy? The worry list is endless...and it's overwhelming and exhausting.

This is my life...a widow at 32. Eating Scarfing half a meal down alone after the girls are fed before they need me again. Managing inside and outdoor chores. No one to vent to when I've had a rough day at work or when family irritates me. No one to celebrate my raise with. No one to get excited over the little things only a parent gets excited about. No one to bounce ideas off. No one to plan a vacation with or dream about retirement with. No one to go on a date night with. It's just me and this is my lonely life.