Nothing's been easy

It has been a while since I've been to this space. Partly by design, but mostly by default. The last 6 weeks have been brutal. Somebody recently asked me how things are going and the best thing I could come up with was, "Nothing's been easy."  I didn't elaborate, and nobody asked me to, because I am a depressing individual that nobody in my circle to relate to.

* I have been going back & forth with the monument company for months now, trying to get Sam's headstone finalized. About a month ago, I received a text stating that they were setting it that day. Hold on a minute...I hadn't even approved anything yet! After a panic attack, conspiracy theories and several phone calls I finally found out they were just pouring the concrete work. Since then I have cut the middle man and finally approved the design last week. It will likely still be several weeks before it is set.

* Strained relationships have really taken their toll on me. Those people whom I once called the "big sister/brother I never had" disappeared, got sneaky and were trying to take advantage of me by "pulling rank." I have had no extra energy to put toward dealing with them. I've tried several times to extend the olive branch and be the bigger person, but screw that. I'm tired of the bigger person. At the end of they day, they get to go home to their complete family unit. Their kids get to go home to both parents. We don't get that. I expected way more from them...expected them to be the ones to step up to the plate and be a constant in the girls' lives. Sam and I did everything we could to support their kids and I expected the same in return. That expectation, apparently, was too high. I told my MIL that I wouldn't be attending Thanksgiving dinner, but that the girls could go for a while, explaining that I wasn't going to willfully put myself in a miserable situation on a day that's already going to suck. I don't know what she said to them, but ever since then they have turned a corner. It's nice...a breath of fresh air to feel like they are in my corner again and I haven't lost them too, but I'm not holding my breath that the current state of affairs lasts.

* Will should have turned 4 on October 13. Nobody understands what it's like to be a BLM (baby loss mom) except other baby-loss parents. And my other half isn't here...I carry the burden by myself. This year hit me harder than I expected.

* As of October 23, Sam has been gone longer than he was present in Clara's life. Clara is nearly 18 months guys...that sucks. It's a hard blow for me to take.

* I finally settled the insurance appeal that has been hanging over my head for months. Receiving the news that they reversed their denial took a huge load off my shoulders.

* Halloween. I really, really don't like Halloween and I never have. I don't find much enjoyment out of dressing in costume and trick-or-treating. Halloween was Sam's...he picked out Laura's costumes, got her pumped for the holiday, trekked all over town trick-or-treating with her. And this year it fell solely on my shoulders. And while I feel that I rocked it...I still hate Halloween.

* Laura started hip hop dance class. I signed her up thinking she would love it and burn some extra energy. She spent the first two classes sobbing and not participating. The last three have been great...let's hope it lasts.

* Laura turned 3. Wow. I just can't believe how much she has matured and learned over the last several months. She is wise beyond her years, articulate, insightful...and hurting. Three, and the weeks leading up to have, has brought on breakdowns of "I just miss my Daddy, Mama" and "I just want Daddy to sleep with me, Mama." What do you say to that? Because it takes my breath away and breaks my heart every.single.time. It is hitting home that Daddy is gone forever and not coming back. I do my best to validate her feelings and talk about Daddy and tell her that we're going to be ok...that it's ok to miss Daddy and we're going to miss him forever, but we have to still get up and move forward because nobody is going to wait for us.

* I don't know how many times I had told Sam, "I'm so glad I don't have to ever do the dating thing again." Open mouth, insert foot. I don't know what I'm looking for, but he's interested. And knows me and knew Sam and knows our story. And knows that I'm hurting. But at the end of the day, I just don't have anything left to give to anyone, and that's not fair to him. The companionship is nice, but I feel like I'm starting to get in the groove as a single parent and the last thing we need right now is to disrupt that. So...I guess it is what it is and we'll see what it will be.

* Parenting, in general, has been such a struggle. I know I've written before about how I'm the sole decision maker and how frustrating it is. Well, it hasn't changed. Except I'm also the sole owie-kisser, disciplinarian, fun-planner and "is it doctor worthy" opinion maker. It's a big load to bear.

* Clara is definitely entering the "terrible twos" and isn't my easygoing baby anymore. She's opinionated, talking much more (NO! is very clear), tantrum-throwing and stubborn.

* And then there's this big white elephant hanging out at work...bankruptcy. But of course nobody wants to actually tell us what's going on, they want us to believe that everything is still rainbows & unicorns. But I'm not stupid and I think it will happen in the next week or so. And I have no idea what that means for the security of my job...and it's stressing me the F out.

Over the last six weeks, I felt myself spiraling downward out of control. It's like I was walking in circles...never accomplishing anything except reinforcing how alone I am. Constantly exhausted, finding little joy in anything, feeling perpetually annoyed by the girls' antics, overwhelmed. But I feel like I've got it back in control, a bit. I am trying so desperately hard to stand by my promise to Sam of not letting myself get too low, but it's so damn hard. This widowhood thing is a lonely place to be.

On Community & Grieving

This community is amazing. In times of hardship it pulls together and transforms into a neighborhood. A neighborhood of supportive friends who offer compassion, prayers, help and random acts of kindness at the drop of a hat, without blinking an eye and in the midst of their own struggles and commitments. I have witnessed it on numerous occasions and recently experienced it firsthand. My family has been the recipient of this support network the past couple of months and for that we would like to express our sincere thanks and appreciation. The cards and messages of sympathy, flowers/plants, prayers and acts of kindness continue to be a great comfort to us. We are truly blessed to have so many wonderful friends and to live in such an amazing community.

For reasons unknown to us, our small community is taking a hard hit lately. There has been too much loss, far too soon; far too many new members of these "clubs" nobody asks to join. An article was recently shared with me that spoke about how to support grieving parents. I, unfortunately, am also a member of that club. The article hit the nail on the head, but I've also decided that it equally applies to grieving spouses, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles...grieving FAMILY & FRIENDS. So I wanted to share some highlights with our neighborhood. My hope is that this offers a bit of insight and  reassurance that we are not walking this path alone.

*Remember Them - We want the world to remember our loved one, young or old. Share memories with us and help us relive them. We are always seeking the balance between holding onto our grief and a happy life after our loss. Milestone celebrations (birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc) hit us hard. Please don't walk away.

* We Can't be "Fixed" - There is no roadmap to grief. Each of us has to find a way to live with loss and it is an individual process. We welcome your love and support but please don't tell us that "time heals all wounds." We feel broken and that doesn't just go away. Please be patient with us as we find our new way and please know that when we know what we need, or what you can do for us, we will surely let you know.

* We Need Time Outs - Our family's milestone celebrations are especially hard. No matter how many years go by, the longing for a complete family unit intensifies in the days leading up to these events and explodes on the day of the event. Please give us time to process another year marked by their absence. And then help us remember them.

* Happiness is an Everyday Struggle - We fight to find the balance of missing and grieving for our loved ones and living life in a way that honors them. We want to be happy, but our loss is constantly hovering at the surface of other emotions.

* It's Uncomfortable - Our loss will make you uncomfortable. You will be afraid that you'll make us lose it by remembering that our loved one is gone. Trust me...we know and haven't forgotten. So please speak their name, tell us you're thinking about them, share a story. Tears of remembrance and loving support are far better than tears from unspoken words. And if you can't say anything, then just be there so we know we are supported and cared about.

We grieve because we loved. We are lucky to have had something that makes saying goodbye so incredibly hard. "Grief changes us. The pain sculpts us into someone who understands more deeply, hurts more often, appreciates more quickly, cries more easily, hopes more desperately and loves more openly" (unknown).

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17928/what-i-wish-more-people-understood-about-losing-a-child.html

Ramblings

I went back to work Monday. The hour-long drive was brutal...too much time to think/let my mind wander and too many songs on the radio that I finally had to turn it off. How can it be that EVERY song on EVERY station reminded me of you and/or everything we've lost? Today was day 3...I made it through the day without crying. I think that's a first. And I don't know whether to be proud or sad. I guess I'm both.

I finally received the certified copies of the death certificate...asphyxia, drowning and hypothermia with a time interval of minutes. When there is too much time to think, my mind has often wandered...wondering what you were thinking when you went through...what you felt..if/how long you suffered...if our little boy called you home. I can't let myself go there...it gets too dark and I just hope that the imagination is worse than the actual events. Oh yeah...those death certificates? I have to send them all back because they screwed up our address...just like I had to with Will's. Coincidence?

Which means the paperwork is still piling up and I'm still in financial limbo. I'll be ok but I hate the unsettled feeling. And the thank you's still aren't done...titles haven't been addressed....utilities haven't been changed...the list is never-ending.

I finally put my foot down with the Grandma's tonight. One (or both) of them have been out here til/past the girls' bedtimes every night. I couldn't take it anymore. Not only was I missing out on precious time with our girls but I was tired of the staring eyes that were CONSTANTLY on me. And tonight went well. Granted, we still have meals being delivered by friends every night so I didn't have to cook. But we ate, kitchen picked up, bath time, played toys, watched part of a movie, read books and the girls were asleep in their own beds by 8:45. Clara even put herself to sleep. I'm not saying it was easy or meltdown-free...but it's doable. I need to know that I can do this...because I'm going to have to do it on my own. I took for granted and never acknowledged/appreciated how much you did around here to help me out...for that I'm sorry.

People...random people...are stopping by to visit, requesting play dates with the girls or girls' nights out. It's weird. I'm forcing myself to participate but I'm getting tired of constantly running and not being at home. Laura is even requesting to stay home.

Laura...oh sweet Laura. I think she is starting to grasp that you are gone forever. She's struggled the last few mornings wanting/crying for you. I tell her that you won't be coming home. That you're in Heaven but we can see you in pictures and we have you in our hearts. Last night was the first night she repeated all this back to me. And today she said she misses you. All I can do is tell her that I miss you, too. And then whatever piece is left of my shattered heart breaks into a million little pieces.

It's late. I'm sure one (or both) of the girls will be awake shortly...the nights have been rough. So I really need to try to sleep. I'm sleeping with one of your dirty t-shirts I dug out of the laundry. It brings some comfort but it's not the same. Nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same.