Re-Organizing

<sigh>  5 days until the 2 month mark. I can't believe that it's been that long. Laura is still questioning and begging for her Daddy. I'm still muddling through a day at a time. Life goes on whether that's my preference or not.

So I'm beginning to re-organize one small, itsy-bitsy baby step at a time. As in...I moved your bathroom stuff off the counter and put it under the sink. Most of it...I threw away your water pic and electric razor (that you never used anyway) after fighting my head over it for a solid hour. The bathroom looks so...girly and bare now. I don't like it. I washed your thermos and put it under the kitchen sink. I moved your wear-once-a-year coats off the coat rack and put them in the coat closet.

I'm also re-organizing my language. Do you have any idea how hard it is not to say us, ours, we? Now it's I, me and mine. And I have to make a conscious effort because being "us" is still so natural. And not having an "us" still kills me a little bit every day. And people just don't understand. My boss was asking today how all the paperwork is going (answer: it's not) and in the course of our discussion commented "well you can't mourn forever...you need to get out & do things." It wasn't her intention to sound rude...but it caught me off guard. I WILL mourn forever but, as I promised you when we lost Will, I will not let myself sink so low that I can't pull it back together.

So yeah...I'm starting to re-organize. But your coats and shoes are still by the door, clean work clothes still hanging in random spots in our bedroom, lunchbox still on top of the fridge. Because I'm also still mourning...and I don't see that changing in this lifetime.