Hitting Hard

It hit me again, hard, tonight that this is my life. I don't know what triggered it. Maybe it was making it through what should have been your 33rd birthday last Wednesday. Maybe it was worrying about fighting life insurance for the last week and what an unfavorable outcome may mean for the girls' future. Maybe it was watching Laura absolutely ATTACH herself to your buddies last weekend as they were working on the playhouse. She THRIVED all weekend. She NEEDED that "man" time. Except it should have been with you. Maybe it was the concerned questions at work today both in person and over the phone. Maybe it was watching Clara take 6 consecutive steps tonight...wishing I had another set of hands to video it and wishing those hands were yours. Maybe it's the fact that I am just completely exhausted. Whatever it was, it triggered me. And I couldn't hold it together and broke down sobbing after baths tonight.

I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. I'm tired of worrying about how up-in-the-air our future is. I'm tired of worrying about how badly I'm messing up our kids...wondering if I'm making the right decisions and having no one that REALLY understands to bounce ideas/frustrations off. I'm tired of going non-stop from 5 am to 11 pm every.single.day trying to stay caught up on everything and still being constantly behind. Single parenthood blows, in case you were wondering. I miss the friendship, the companionship and the company. I miss the warm body next to me at night. I miss the gentle kiss on the forehead. I miss you. 

And that's what I told Laura when she saw me sobbing. She was so worried, "What's wrong, Mama?" I told her that I was sad and missed her Daddy. "Me, too Mama. I want Daddy too. Here's blankey. You be ok?"  She gave me her prized blankey that gets shared with no one. And a big bear hug and snuggles. And she kept asking me if I was ok. "You ok, Mama?  Daddy's in Heaven right now. You ok?" I told her that I would be ok and pulled myself together. 

But I'm not ok and I don't know how I ever will be. Everyone keeps telling me how well I'm doing and how well I'm coping. But I'm not doing well. I'm beat down. I want to give up and crawl in a hole. I want somebody with a crystal ball to tell me how this story goes for the next 40 years so I can quit worrying and wondering. It seems like everything is an uphill battle recently and I just don't know how much fight I have left in me.