Updating

I've been MIA for a while. Life has been such a confusing, busy whirlwind this month. When I have thoughts I want to jot down, I don't have time. And when I have the time, the thoughts have escaped my exhausted brain.

* I survived Mother's Day weekend. I spent time with friends the night before Mother's Day. On Sunday, I spent some time by myself distracted by the task of trying to organize/muck closets. I packed up his ridiculous collection of shoes by the door I was tired of tripping over. I packed up his clothes out of the dresser but couldn't go any further. I spent some time with the girls and my parents. I accomplished little but thinking of what should have been. There should have been a little boy with us, too. And his Daddy. Instead, there were the three of us and lots of  "girl hugs."

* Clara turned 1! I can't believe that a year has passed since we welcomed our Baby Girl into this world. She is the sweetest little instigator loved beyond words. Sam would have been beaming watching her ride her new 4-wheeler. He would have been irritated with the amount of time I spent working on decorations that no one but me cares about. But he would have been proud of his Baby Girl. The day was so very bittersweet...the first of many birthdays to come without him.

* I continue to fight insurance through my attorney. The appeal period is drawing near and I'm ready to just be done with it. I'm still avoiding things like taking his name off our accounts, insurance and changing all of our vehicle titles.

* I'm trying to plan vacation and get us ready to go for the annual week-long camping trip. And by trying I mean I've thought little about it except when we're going, which is now only 3 weeks away. I still have menus/food to prep, a camper to clean and pack. But, see, that's the hold up. Because I'll be cleaning out his stuff and NOT repacking it. Camping was his hobby that he introduced me to. We had big plans of taking the girls on many camping/fishing trips, we bought a new camper big enough for all of us two years ago. And now he's not here and I'm left to make sure these things happen on my own, with the help of friends. But it's not the same and it will never be the same.

* Laura asked about Daddy for the first time in a while last night while we were showering. The conversation went something like this:

"Daddy never coming home, Mama?" No, Punkin, Daddy won't be coming home. "It's ok Mama. I saw him yesterday. I played with Daddy." What did you play? Rode bikes, build castles, RZR ride. I had fun. I'm glad you got to play with Daddy and that you had fun. Daddy loves you.

I am so very glad that she gets experiences like this and I hope they don't end anytime soon. I also hope she continues sharing them with me.

* Clara pointed to the family portrait on the wall last night and said "Dada."  Repeatedly...over and over. Even after getting distracted by something else, she was right back to identifying Daddy on the wall.

* I'm avoiding giving any thought to what should be our 7th wedding anniversary on Sunday. We never made a huge deal out of anniversaries but it still hits hard that there will never be another. I think I'll just hide out at home with the girls with the doors locked and shades drawn. It's supposed to rain all day (again) anyway.

I think, overall, I'm mentally in a better place than I was. I've accepted that I'm a single-parent regardless of doing everything "by the books" the last 32 years of my life. I'm grateful that the girls and I have such a strong network of close friends that pick us up when we are down, step into that father-role for my girls more times than I can count and just let us be...without judgment. My girls have so many pseudo-Dads/uncles that they'll never be able to get away with anything (or have lots of help pulling it off)!

But no matter how much time passes, there will always be a lump in my throat, a tear in my eye and a hole in my heart.

The carousel never stops turning

How do you do it Shonda Rhimes? How do you manage to mimic my life, my feelings, my inner thoughts, my fears?

Oct 2011 – We unexpectedly lose our son at 39 weeks. Stillborn.

May 2012 – Amelia loses her newborn son. (Private Practice)

January 2015 – I unexpectedly become a widow with two very young kids; a widow due to a freak accident in which the hands of the rescuers were tied.

April 2015 – Derek dies. Meredith is a widow with two young kids; a widow due to a freak accident. (Grey's Anatomy)

You might think that watching this version of my life play out on tv would haunt and torture me. Is it easy? God no. But there’s something about it that makes me feel a little less alone. It forces me to face emotions I try to bury…forces me to name the feelings I couldn’t before find words for. And it gives those on the outside looking into my life an idea of what I'm dealing with.

The carousel never stops turning. It’s funny the way memory works. The things you can’t quite remember, and the things you never forget.

He was the love of my life. I doubt I'll ever love another man the way I loved him. I'm certain I won't. How could I? But he's gone. That's the point, isn't it? He's gone and I'm here. And there's no getting him back.

I wish Daddy were here.

It's awful being a grown-up. But the carousel never stops turning.

You've never lost the love of your life. You've never cried over the body of the person you love most in this world. You don't know how that messes a person up. You've never had to claw your way back from that.

I can live without you, but I don't want to. I don't ever want to.

I still get up every morning. I face every day. I don't get to jump on a plane and fly halfway across the damn world.

What the hell is going on? What’s the point? I mean, is there a reason for this? Because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all why the universe is so screwed up and random and mean, now would be an amazingly good time to tell me because I really need some answers.

Nothing comes easily. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime.

He's gone and I know he's gone. And the bed feels lonely. Nothing comes easily. I don't know how to sleep alone. Where do I begin? Nothing can bring me peace I miss you. I've lost everything. I just want to feel your embrace.

I know people were worried. Since he died, everybody's been looking at me, waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or just become a mess. Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off.

And I'm all alone. Now I have to raise my daughter[s] alone. How am I expected to do that?

I needed more time with him, but it just keeps going forward faster and faster and there is no more time. You can't go back, you can't press pause.

If there's a crisis you don't freeze. You move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse.

It's a choice I'm making. To move forward. To move past this. I can do that.

The carousel never stops turning. No matter how hard I drag my feet, it keeps turning and the calendar pages keep turning, the girls keep growing and life moves forward. I have to be present for them...active in their lives. I have to figure out how to make this work for the three of us. Love them SO HARD so they know how much their Daddy loves[d] them. 

And so it begins

I just retained my first lawyer

So here we go...here's to re-hashing the details, requesting reports and photographs, digging for more information, paying for expert opinions and putting everything on the line. With less than 30 days to do it.

Dreading Today

Today is one of those days I really would have preferred to stay in bed with my head under the comforter. I have a pounding headache and a knot in my stomach anticipating the phone call from the lawyer today. I don't want to talk about the accident, yet again, re-hashing the events, the details...my nightmare. I don't want to think about the what-ifs, why's, should-haves and could-haves. I don't want to question why it had to be YOU to be the nice guy and haul those people across the lake, by yourself. None of it will change the fact that you're gone.

I've been trying to give myself a pep talk...telling myself that I can do this, that I'm strong enough for these conversations again. I don't have myself convinced, yet, but I will get through it. Because it's my only choice.

Hitting Hard

It hit me again, hard, tonight that this is my life. I don't know what triggered it. Maybe it was making it through what should have been your 33rd birthday last Wednesday. Maybe it was worrying about fighting life insurance for the last week and what an unfavorable outcome may mean for the girls' future. Maybe it was watching Laura absolutely ATTACH herself to your buddies last weekend as they were working on the playhouse. She THRIVED all weekend. She NEEDED that "man" time. Except it should have been with you. Maybe it was the concerned questions at work today both in person and over the phone. Maybe it was watching Clara take 6 consecutive steps tonight...wishing I had another set of hands to video it and wishing those hands were yours. Maybe it's the fact that I am just completely exhausted. Whatever it was, it triggered me. And I couldn't hold it together and broke down sobbing after baths tonight.

I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. I'm tired of worrying about how up-in-the-air our future is. I'm tired of worrying about how badly I'm messing up our kids...wondering if I'm making the right decisions and having no one that REALLY understands to bounce ideas/frustrations off. I'm tired of going non-stop from 5 am to 11 pm every.single.day trying to stay caught up on everything and still being constantly behind. Single parenthood blows, in case you were wondering. I miss the friendship, the companionship and the company. I miss the warm body next to me at night. I miss the gentle kiss on the forehead. I miss you. 

And that's what I told Laura when she saw me sobbing. She was so worried, "What's wrong, Mama?" I told her that I was sad and missed her Daddy. "Me, too Mama. I want Daddy too. Here's blankey. You be ok?"  She gave me her prized blankey that gets shared with no one. And a big bear hug and snuggles. And she kept asking me if I was ok. "You ok, Mama?  Daddy's in Heaven right now. You ok?" I told her that I would be ok and pulled myself together. 

But I'm not ok and I don't know how I ever will be. Everyone keeps telling me how well I'm doing and how well I'm coping. But I'm not doing well. I'm beat down. I want to give up and crawl in a hole. I want somebody with a crystal ball to tell me how this story goes for the next 40 years so I can quit worrying and wondering. It seems like everything is an uphill battle recently and I just don't know how much fight I have left in me.

Easter

We survived Easter. The girls had fun and I managed to avoid most questions at the extended stranger family dinner. I focused on the girls but my mind still drifted to what should have been. He should have been at the park with us for their first egg hunt. He should have been with me getting baskets ready. He should have seen Laura's disgust that the Bunny hid all her eggs. He should have seen Clara and her first Easter. sigh

As we near what should be his 33rd birthday (1 week from today) I'm struggling...big time.

Needs

A fellow widow (late 50's, widowed for one week today) recently told me, "You're the strongest person I know. I'm not strong like you." I told her that I'm nothing special. Because I'm not. Fake it 'til you make it.

I feel like I'm floating through life, from one commitment to the next and being pulled in too many directions at once. I feel like people think I'm doing ok. And I guess I am...doing ok...because ok is all I have right now. But really...who wants to be just ok? People think they know what I need. An extended family Easter on Sunday..."sounds like it's going to be a nice little get together for something other than a funeral."  Gee, thanks Mom. I guess that depends on who you are and what your definition of nice is. My idea of a "nice" Easter without my husband and my daughter's Dad would be a quiet one with immediate family. Not a dog and pony show with aunts/uncles/cousins that I haven't seen or been in touch with in years. People that won't stay in touch with me because right now, I feel like all they want is the "scoop." M y idea of a "nice" Easter doesn't include re-hashing the events of January 23, answering the stupid-ass question "so, how are you doing" a bajillion times, feeling their steely eyes follow me wherevever I go all day just waiting for me to breakdow, and hearing the whispers behind my back, "so...how is she REALLY doing?"  I don't NEED these strangers family around on Sunday. Re-connect on your own time, not on my grief.

I don't NEED to "just get away awhile...just by yourself."  Why?! So I have even more down time to think about everything we have lost and how things should be? Yeah, that sounds "relaxing" and "rejuvenating."  And you know what else I don't need? Someone constantly tracking my every move. I am a 32-year old adult. I don't NEED to check-in with you and tell you my every move. I don't NEED to seek permission to do something or take my girls and go somewhere for the day. I am their parent...their ONLY LIVING parent, and I make the decisions, not you. And you know what? Your hurt feelings are the least of my concerns these days. If your feelings get hurt because I prioritize myself and my girls over you then I guess you're just going to have hurt feelings and deal with it.

This is what I need:

I need him...my best friend, confidante, soul mate. I need him to tell me "as long as we have each other, we can get through anything." I need to talk about how lucky we are that our marriage is easy. I need his passion.

I need to feel this joy and happiness...this security. I need him to tuck my hair behind my ear, hold my hand as we fall asleep or drive in the car, hold me tight as I cry a million tears.

I need my outdoorsman and I need him to share his love of the oudoors with our girls. 

I need my hard-working family man.The man that would melt at his daughters' request. The man who told them, "You have the best Mommy ever." The man who assured me that I was doing ok. The man who worried about my lack of sleep (as I type this at 11:45 PM), who told me to sit down and take a break, who could melt the stress and the fears away.  I need to feel his touch and his love. I need to tell him about my day, the girls' days and I need him to be as excited as only a parent can be over the little things they say and do. I need him to see Clara working so hard taking her first steps, waving bye-bye, saying "hi" and giving kisses. I need my partner. They need their Daddy. I'm broken and I don't think I will ever be whole again.